I feel I have been cut off from the world lately. Cut off, a lot, in my own lack of self-confidence. I learned, after I graduated, that much of my self-worth had been based on school, sadly. I felt talented because I was getting good grades, because I had deadlines to reach.
But after school, all the deadlines and grades went away. My priorities had to shift, majorly, not only because school was gone, but because I also got married and had a husband. I also moved out of my house and started working full-time. There were a lot of changes all at once, and for a while, I completely lost who I was.
I don’t know when and why I started second-guessing myself and my abilities, but I did. I lost sight of the dreams I had, and didn’t feel like I was capable of doing much of anything. I felt like giving up on so much.
But in the midst of all of it, I learned a lot. I learned how to be more selfless. I learned how to be more humble. I learned that those dreams I had were not really to get myself honors and recognition, but I had all of those dreams to serve, and to use my talents to help others. I learned that I couldn’t get discouraged, that I would be provided for because the Lord would help me, and that I could keep working towards those things I wanted.
So on Saturday, I ended up on Meg Cabot’s website (who is an author), and reading about her. She talked abut her years of writing without seeking to get published. She talked about her three years of rejection.
And, I thought, maybe living life isn’t about achieving anything, or getting goals accomplished. It doesn’t matter if you ever get those goals–it just matters if you live, if you do what you love, and you do it in a way to help the people around you. It doesn’t matter if you are “good” at something or not–who determines who is good or bad? Does it matter?
What matters is that we humbly go forward and live. It’s selfish to try to be the best–because you end up hurting others as you try to be better than them. It’s selfish to doubt that you will achieve those goals and dreams–for that discouragement will enter into every part of your life, especially your relationships with others. You will find yourself dwelling on failure that hasn’t even occurred yet, instead of focusing on helping those around you.
So finally, after three months of discovering myself, I have confidence in myself most of all. I don’t doubt myself anymore. And I feel full of light, ready to live again.