While I was pregnant, I rethought my life. When I was in high school, I was quite a dreamer, with a long list of life goals. The biggest one was writing, so I went to college as an English major, thinking to emphasize in creative writing.
I ended up almost hating my English major. I disliked it enough that I didn’t finish my emphasis and I picked another major, philosophy, to stay sane my last year of school.
But those writing goals still remained.
I’ve written four or five novels in varying degrees of finished. Which sounds a lot cooler than it is. The novels vary in quality from pretty bad to half-decent, but nothing too spectacular or good enough to get published.
One of those novels I worked on really hard to get published. I sent out letter after letter, email after email. I sent it to agents and publishers. Etc. Etc.
Um . . . I was flat-out rejected. I got my last rejection letter on May 13, and it was basically the last straw. It was apparent from the letter that they had actually read at least a large part of my manuscript, and didn’t like it. I was out of options.
But failing was a really, really good thing. I learned a lot.
I’ve thought about giving up my dreams of writing fiction for a while now. I knew that I could succeed, if I put in the effort. But I didn’t want to do what it takes. I don’t like trying to get published, writing groups, writing conferences, deadlines, public appearances, marketing, etc.
I didn’t like myself as an aspiring writer, when it came down to it, and I didn’t want a career as a writer.
This has been my dream since fifth grade, and finally, I am over it. I don’t feel like I failed or gave up. I realized I just didn’t want it.
So . . . What now?
Well that’s the cool thing. I made this discovery when I was eight months pregnant. So the answer was pretty simple: I would be a mom, first and foremost. I would be a homemaker. I didn’t need a career; I already had one.
Not that I don’t have goals: I like reading, family history, photography, web design, organ/piano, archery, blogging, etc. etc.
And being a mother can always come first now.