Heather

Conflict

Who am I?

I was a philosophy major and I loved working my brain that way, but when it comes down to it, I really don’t like to engage in philosophical argument with others. Especially in things that matter. I don’t think it does any good, since right and wrong and even true and false are usually never found in philosophical argument. It’s found in faith, choices, experience, etc. And argument rarely changes anyone’s viewpoint about important things. The simple things are what matter.

I was also an English major. I was going to emphasize in creative writing. I had a goal of becoming a writer (since fifth grade). But I gave up on that, because, well, I didn’t want to. I hated trying to get published. I realized I wasn’t really that good, and I didn’t want to do what it takes to get better. I don’t like reading about author’s writing processes and how they became a writer. I hate critique groups. I disliked being an “aspiring writer.” And I hated being a perfectionist about writing.

I am, in my core, not a perfectionist. At all. Yet I ended up with a 3.997 GPA in high school and 3.95 GPA in college.  How did that happen?

I guess I’m smart. But I can’t hold a fact in my head to save my life and I can’t come up with random (or not so random) information off the top of my head. I just don’t care. In other words, I could have never, ever been a history major or a contestant on Jeopardy.

I was always better at math and science in elementary and high school–they work better with my brain. But I never took a math class in college. I never even thought about majoring in math or science.

I guess this is all in hindsight. I’ve learned a lot about myself in college and mostly since graduating college. But maybe I’m not that different: I’m still writing. A lot, actually. I still think philosophically.

But that’s not who I am anymore. I am a mom who likes to cook and bake. I keep my house clean and laundry mostly done. Those are my priorities now, so all of that stuff above just doesn’t matter so much anymore.

I used to be ambitious. I used to want to have so many life goals and do so many stuff. I thought that was what you were supposed to do. I really could have done anything with my life. Grad school, successful career, etc.

But those things don’t matter. Family does. I’ve always believe that, and that’s why I’m here now. I’m still ambitious, but I want to become something. Not just do.

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