Heather · Inspiration

Not a Failure

Yesterday:

I woke up. I was waiting for the alarm, but I didn’t hear it, really. But I still woke up. It was six fifteen. Dillon goes to work at seven.

I got up. It wasn’t freezing, but I went to start a fire to get the house warm. There was no kindling and I tried to get the logs to start with a few pieces of scratch paper, but I couldn’t.

I started crying. I felt like a failure. A miserable failure. Not only on the fire. Dillon had been chiding me the last few days that I never got firewood. And the night before he made dinner because I was tired and ornery. And I didn’t do the dishes.

And I wasn’t a good enough mom, of course. I watched too much television. I wasn’t a good writer because I didn’t dedicate myself to it.

Failure.

I made Dillon a lunch while I was sobbing. I cooked breakfast and I was still crying.

Finally, I got Dillon to ask me what was wrong, and I talked, and he held me and I stopped crying.

But that failure feeling is still there. I can’t keep my house clean enough. I don’t do enough. I’m too lazy. The critical voices hit me over the head again and again.

It’s hard because there is almost no one to tell me I’m doing a good job except myself. Dillon can try, but I don’t believe him because he usually comes home to a messy home and dinner isn’t started. MM can’t talk and she always wants more from me than I give her.

Those are the only people I see on a regular basis.

I try to change up my to-do list, expect a little bit less of myself, live more in the moment.

But the truth is, I don’t have an answer to those critical voices. Because I really should just do better.

But I am trying. And I’ll keep trying and working on, and I guess I’m not a failure because I haven’t given up yet.

Today:

Feeling much better now. I finally remembered something I shouldn’t have forgotten: I can do everything with the Lord’s help. And he does help me. And I am a miserable failure on my own, but I’m never on my own. I always have help. Always.

(My brother Daniel with MM at Temple Square.)
(My brother Daniel with MM at Temple Square.)
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2 thoughts on “Not a Failure

  1. Those voices are so hard to quiet. The simplest thing can get them chattering. Mine was this morning, my husband had to get clothes out of the laundry basket to wear instead of his drawer. Made me feel so incompetent. Totally silly because the reason they weren’t in his drawer was because I had been spending hours getting his gifts ready to take to work. I think we should label those voices silly and chase them away.
    (Cute picture of three of my most favorite things!:)

    Like

  2. I think it is good to remember that we all aren’t perfect and we won’t be in this life I think. The atonement helps both as an enabler and as a way to be forgiven of all our mistakes. I feel the same way too. Change is hard as well on kids and mommy. I like what mom said too.

    Like

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