I think looking over my archives sort of made me depressed. Is that weird to say? The last two days have been crazy difficult for me emotionally–I’ve just felt lonely. And I think a lot of it was pining away for the days when I went to work everyday to a job I loved. When it was just me and my husband without the responsibility of having being a mother. Being a mother is HARD. CRAZY HARD. It totally changes everything you are.
And I just wished life was simpler. And easier.
But I wouldn’t give MM away for anything. I love her, and I wanted her for ages. I really want the next one too. I really do want to be a mother. But again, it’s HARD. And sometimes I just want life to be a little bit easier. But hard is really better. It’s more rewarding. It brings a greater degree of happiness. I may have been sort-of content before (thought I really wasn’t–the grass is always greener on the other side), but I wasn’t able to love like I do now, and I didn’t know what it was like to be insanely happy about what your child has accomplished and who she is. It’s become such a huge part of who I am.
MM helped me today. I needed to get going, clean up and get her ready for bed, and I didn’t really feel up to it. I was just so tired and frustrated and whatever. But I got going, and she helped every step of the way. She threw away trash for me. She helped me fold the laundry. She got some clothes for me when I asked her to. She helped me get through a difficult moment. It was amazing–I needed her, and she was there because she loves me and forgives me like no one else does.
So of course I don’t want to go back to a desk job and boring old life back then. It was fulfilling its own way and crazy easier than life is now–but I’ll sacrifice it all for my children any day and any moment.
I’ll take this life. Even if it isn’t quite my dream life, and even if I get really lonely sometimes. And I hate driving long distances. And some days are just bad days. But the people I love most are my daughter MM and my husband Dillon, and I do this for them. I’m here right now for them. And they make me happy.