First, my husband is getting better. Things seem to be all worked out with him, finally, and he should make a full recovery.
As part of this whole experience, my mom took my kids to Utah for ten days. I have never been without my kids for close for that long.
I had a lot of projects to do and I was mostly productive–and I also spent a fair amount of time watching television (some while multitasking). I took care of my husband (he says I was less nice to him once the kids came back, and that’s probably true). I passed the time.
But I felt completely lost. I have worked at changing my identity and how I view myself so that motherhood and family is the most important thing to me. I have given up on goals and dreams and changed my thinking. It has been a long process to get here. When I first had kids, I loved being a mother, but I still wanted to do so many other things with my life. Now, I am a mother. That’s about it. I love it that way.
Without kids, I didn’t really know what to do with myself. I did have some projects, but there was nothing I was really passionate about. I missed my kids.
Without them, I felt tired a lot. Drained, strangely. I wasn’t unhappy, but it was sort of like every day was cloudy and I could never see the sun shining out.
And when those kids came back, I felt like myself again. I felt full and light and happy. My kids are what bring me joy and purpose and passion.
I know at some point that my kids will go off to school and eventually they will move out and I will probably have to rediscover myself again. But right now, while they are little, I am glad that my heart, my mind, and my time can be devoted to them.